“Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”—Kurt Vonnegut (via pastichepastiche)
“He was “I love you, man”-level drunk.”—A, on his top boss at last night’s company party. Hell, can’t exactly judge though seeing as how we were all knocking them back with a few (poorly chosen) Malort shots for good measure. Yeah, deserving every moment of this hangover right now.
No, please, go ahead. take all of my samples. It’s really supposed to be one per customer, so no, really, just go on and eat 6 or 7. Better yet? Eat more than one at once because you’re bald, overweight, and damn, you deserve it.
Also, good thing you monkey-suit wearers keep letting me know that you’re married. Chances are that my pleasant disposition has everything to do with your charm/chocolate stuck in your teeth and nothing to do with my natural ability to hustle chocolate. Dumbasses.